A Tail Tale Lie

We are told that many, many, many, many, many years ago our little monkey-man ancestors ran around in the tree tops. Safe in the tree tops, they avoided nasty characters like saber-tooth tigers. But one day while skittering and chattering about a thought occurred to one little monkey-man. He thought, "If me could make point on stick, me really have something." It was a great idea, but monkey man vocabulary had not kept pace with intellectual capacity. It took a long, long, time for that monkey-man to explain his idea to his contemporaries. After a million or so years of handing this idea down from generation to generation a descendent of the original monkey-man hatched a plan to accomplish this task. One day when Saber-Tooth wasn't looking he scrambled down the tree grabbed a rock and ran back up the tree to safety. He proceeded to scrape the rock against the stick and bingo he had a sharp stick.

This sharp little stick changed the lives of the monkey-men forever. They were now armed. Fossil evidence proves conclusively that the monkey-men descended from the tree tops ready to conquer the world, Saber-Tooth included (well we did find a 3/4 inch hole in a two to ten million year old rock that may have been the imprint of a spear butt--no, no, definitely, that is definitely what it was). It should be noted that according to one of their better documentaries, "The Flintstone's," Saber-Tooth was a fairly gentle beast.

Now friends you have to laugh at that. I know how to throw a punch, but you could not melt me and pour me into the ring with Mike Tyson. It is not reasonable for me, with my one punch arsenal, to attack a boxing beast like Mike Tyson. Yet, evolutionists say, that man, once armed with primitive weapons, conquered the world, Saber-Tooth and all. They go on to say that since man remained on the ground, he no longer needed a tail. I take issue with that.

They say that ancient man carried food and weapons about in his nomadic lifestyle. It certainly would have been handy if he could have carried his little caveman lunch box with his tail, leaving both hands free for hunting or fighting. Also, they say, man evolved to the point that he began to construct dwellings. Construction workers today would probably trade one thumb for a built in safety line. Imagine how secure they would feel with their tails wrapped snugly around a rafter or I-beam while they did their work. But, oh no, we lost that wonderful, useful, little tail.

Lizards must have been smarter than monkey-men. Apparently some ancient lizard thought, "You know, what we need is a replaceable tail." So the lizards concentrated on that for millions of years. The result is that today when some lizards lose their tail they simply grow another. Maybe if we concentrate hard enough, in a million years or so, when our descendants' hearts wear out, they can simply grow another. After all, it is the least we can do.

When you get right down to it I just feel cheated. If you have ever stood on a golf course in the rain, holding an umbrella with one hand and trying to swing a golf club with the other, you can see just how handy that little tail would be. I want my tail back!