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| Volume 17 Number 9 September 2015 |
Page 7 |
God’s Way for Us to Cope
with
Loss, Sorrow and Grief, #2
Marilyn LaStrape
What to Say to a Grieving Person
“A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in its time, how good it is!” (Proverbs 15:23).
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).
Do’s
- I’m praying for you; you are in my thoughts and prayers.
- I’m here for you in whatever way you need me.
- It’s good to see you, and you are looking good.
- I’m so sorry; I can’t imagine the pain of your loss.
- How do you feel? What can I do to help you right now?
- Can I pick up some groceries for you?
- I’m available to help you with cleaning, errands, laundry, cooking, etc.
- Please call me if and when you are ready to talk.
- This is all about you and your consolation.
Dont’s
- I know exactly how you feel.
- How are you doing? Are you OK?
- They are out of their suffering; they are in a better place.
- It was God’s will.
- Something good will come out of this.
- It’s time for you to move on with your life; it’s been 3 months.
- You’ve got to be strong.
- They are looking down on you and smiling.
- Time heals all wounds.
- God needed another angel.
- You have two other children. Why don’t you focus on them?
- Hope you don’t wait too long to get married again.
- Perhaps we will never understand.
- We all need to be reminded of how fragile human life is.
From the American Cancer Society
What to say to someone who has lost a loved one:
- Acknowledge the situation.
- Express your concern.
- Be genuine in your communication and don’t hide your feelings.
- Offer your support.
- Ask how he or she feels and don’t assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
What to Do for a Grieving Person
“Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another” (Romans 12:10).
Do’s
- ALWAYS call before any visit.
- Give lots of hugs and smiles.
- Send cards and notes of sympathy and encouragement.
- Treat them to breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner.
- Be a caring, a listening and a helpful presence.
- Cry with them, reminisce with them and laugh with them.
- Go to a movie, play a game, go for a walk, go shopping.
- Be super sensitive to their feelings; follow their lead.
- Be consistent with your help. Be available, ready and willing to assist if you said you would.
- “Silent listening,” a touch, a hug, hold their hand, rub their back (only if they are ok with any of these physical gestures of love and comfort).
- Stay with them for the long haul—from raw agony to sweet sadness.
Dont’s
- Don’t spend your money on things without asking, unless you are sure the items will be used.
- Don’t give them anything you only think they will need or want.
- Don’t start giving them updates on your family during your sympathy call/visit.
- Don’t try to be a “director” or a “fixer” in what you say.
- Don’t force yourself on them; keep visits and phone calls short.
- Don’t try to smooth over their emotions.
Life Beyond Loss
- Each loss is as unique as the individual relationship we had with the person who died.
- When we lose a parent, we lose our past. When we lose a spouse, we lose our present. When we lose a child, we lose a future.
- Each of us has his own unique personality and his own individual ways of coping. Some people are better able to cope than others. We all cope in different ways with a crisis (Doka).
Perhaps one of the biggest reasons that we as a society struggle so much with death is because not many of us want to think about it, not to mention talk about it. However, everybody needs to talk about it because it is as natural as breathing. It happens every day every few seconds around the world. In our attempts to know what to say and what to do, less is more. Particularly if the “right words” are not easily expressed, to be wisely silent is always best. A strong, calming presence or a genuine look of love speaks volumes! To be a welcomed source of comfort and caring, it is best to remember the words of our Lord when He said, “And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise” (Luke 6:31).
Work Cited
Doka, Kenneth J., Ph.D. Life Beyond Loss: Picking Up the Pieces and Facing the Emotions of Grief. Acworth: Guideline.
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