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| Volume 25 Number 8 August 2023 |
Page 9 |
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| Volume 25 Number 8 August 2023 |
Page 9 |
Don’t Nurture Your Pain
Don Campbell
All of us have been wronged, and all of us have wronged others. “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us” (1 John 1:8-10 NKJV).
There are two lessons here. The first is that we need to be honest with ourselves and with others; additionally, we must confess our sins and seek reconciliation with our brother or sister in Christ. If we refuse to seek or to accept reconciliation, we violate Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:23 and 18:15. Read those and you will see that both the offender and the offended are to “Go” (5:24; 18:25). When that happens, we will meet in the middle.
The focus of this article, as suggested by the title, is how to deal with the pain of the past. If we nurture it by retelling it to all who will listen, we will keep reliving it. Over the years, the pain becomes worse, not better. Paul exhorted us, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32). No, it is not easy, and yet, if we want to heal the hurt, we have to make every effort to put that exhortation into practice.
Life may have handed us lemons. We can suck on the lemons, or we can make lemonade. However, we can sometimes make the hurt worse instead of better because we poison the lemonade with resentment. Dr. Paula Bloom said that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The only one who becomes sick is the one harboring resentment. Resentment is not only toxic, but it is also intoxicating – giving one a sense of power. We can manipulate others or drive them away. In either case, we maintain control – at least on the surface. On the other hand, resentment keeps a person chained to the mummies of our minds: dead dreams, dead relationships and even dead people. Forgiveness unlocks the cuffs and sets us free.
Some have argued that Paul’s instructions to forgive one another are contingent upon the other person’s admission of guilt that leads to repentance. Does their lack of repentance decrease the toxin of our resentment? It is true that God forgives only the penitent, but what would God have us to do regarding the impenitent people who may have sinned against us?
Jesus is our example. As He hung on the cross, our Lord said, “…Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34). Fifty days later, the Holy Spirit, through Peter, still held them accountable. “Him, being delivered by the determined purpose and foreknowledge of God, you have taken by lawless hands, have crucified, and put to death” (Acts 2:23). Yet, at that very moment, Jesus was pouring out Himself as an offering for sin (Isaiah 53:10). Jesus was willing to forgive them even as they committed the sin. However, they were not freed from the guilt of their sin until they were cut to their hearts and brought to repentance.
Stephen, the first to be privileged to die for Christ, followed the Master’s example. As the rocks landed with heavy thuds on his body, he knelt and prayed, “…Lord, do not charge them with this sin…” (Acts 7:60). Stephen was willing to forgive them even as they sinned. Nevertheless, God forgave them when they came to faith and repentance. Through the love that God has demonstrated, we can do the same thing that Jesus and Stephen did.
Once we are willing to forgive the perpetrator, we are set free, and the healing process can begin. What if the perpetrator never comes to faith and repentance? The blood of Christ will never wash away those sins, and the guilty shall receive the full force of God’s wrath.
The cross teaches us just how hard it is for God to forgive. Every sin ever forgiven was forgiven because Christ “…once at the end of the ages, He has appeared to put away sin by the sacrifice of Himself” (Hebrews 9:26). James penned, “for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). Paul wrote, “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. Therefore ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head’” (Romans 12:19-20).
Our letting go of the bitterness, the rage, the resentment, the hurt or whatever negative feelings we may have doesn’t free the guilty from the consequences of their sins. A woman could be willing to forgive someone who had raped her but still participate in his prosecution. He could come to faith and repentance and pass out of death into life but still be required to pay his debt. If the perpetrator is ever forgiven by God, it will be at the price of a broken spirit, as well as a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:17).
Beware! It is not our responsibility to soften the heart or the will of those who have wronged us. That is resentment and revenge. If we seek revenge, focus on the evil, fail to count our blessings, pray without gratitude, despise the Word of the Lord when it challenges us, expose ourselves to the fads of pop psychology and theology or embrace the socially accepted evils of the age, then healing will not take place.
The shortest distance from victimhood to victory is by the way of the cross of Christ. “Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows…” (Isaiah 53:4). Let the healing begin!
