 Mixed Signals
By D. Gene
West
In former
times, we did a considerable amount of
marriage counseling. Now we just make referrals.
One of the
things that would come up very frequently
when a couple was having problems in their marriage was one would
accuse the
other of sending “mixed signals.” What seemed to be acceptable at one
time, so
far as such things as the expenditure of money, for example, would be
totally
unacceptable at another time. One mate, sometimes both, would make
statements
such as, “I never know what to do!” We understand the frustration that
can
develop from such confusion brought on, usually by inconsistency, or
acting on
whims.
Often as
parents, we do the very same thing to our
children. For example, if they lie to us about some matter we will
become almost
enraged, and breathe out threatening and slaughter against them. Then
they will
observe in our lives, we lie to others and feel no compunction of
conscience
whatsoever. Thus, little Johnny may come to be completely confused over
why it
is wrong to lie to Dad about where he had ridden his bike that day, but
it is
alright for Dad to lie to the IRS on his tax return. As a result of
this
confusion, he may come to believe that it is okay to lie to any
authority
except Dad. Hence, that child may grow to be a person of great
responsibility
who does not at all mind fleecing his customers, or fellows, or even
the
stockholders in his company. All this can result, unless something
intervenes
to help him learn better, in his being a “crook” because the mixed
signals from
his parent taught him it is okay to lie and cheat sometimes. This kind
of
example can cause children to become so ambivalent regarding what is
right and
what is wrong, they will think the only thing that is really wrong is
what you
are caught doing, no matter how unethical it might be.
Children
deserve and have a right to expect their
parents to be genuinely virtuous. While no parent can be perfect, he
can be
honest and diligent in seeking to do the right thing whether it
involves the
IRS or his boss at the office. Children need, and deserve,
non-hypocritical
examples of uprightness, honesty and fair play. They do not need
parents who
like the reeds along the edge of a lake, bend with every breeze that
blows. If
children do not get the same signals—the right ones every time— they
will never
be quite sure what they are to do in any given situation. Furthermore,
if they
do not get this kind of constancy in their lives, not only will they
come to
resent life itself, but you as well.
Children need the kind of parental love that is
consistent and genuine, not a kind that changes with each wind that
blows. What
is right is right every day and what is wrong is wrong all the time. If
a
mother is not true to her husband, she should not be shocked when her
daughter
is untrue to hers. If a father does not show consistent love and
kindness to
his wife, he should not be shocked when his son treats his wife as if
she were
property and demeans and degrades her. You see, we are more likely to
do what
we see rather than what we are told. Sometimes, it is very true, that
our deeds
thunder so loudly that those around us cannot hear what we are saying.
If a child knows his father, or mother for that
matter, cheats on the number of hours he puts in on the
job, why should he not
do something similar, and when he is older, why should he not do the
same
thing? If a child knows that dad, or mother, steals from the company or
office,
why should he not steal from the stores at the mall? If children know
their
parents shoplift, why should they not steal from their parents?
Recently, we
were walking through a local supermarket and observed a mother with a
child in
her cart. When she passed the “loose candy,” that which is sold by the
pound,
she stopped and took several pieces from first one bin then another and
put
them in her pocket. From time to time she would retrieve a piece and
eat it,
discarding the paper on the floor. On two or three occasions she gave
the child
a piece of her “free” candy as well. Not only was she taking something
that was
not hers, she was driving the cost of candy up for everyone else, but
worst of
all, she was teaching her very small child, probably only four of five
years of
age, to be a thief. No doubt, if the child had gone to her mother’s
purse and
taken money, the mother would have been furious, but why, we
ask!
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